A Work in Progress

My Quest to improve myself and regain my love.

Ugh. I'd really like to post cause I've got all sorts of stuff to talk about, not to mention I realized yesterday that not having this outlet is a small contributor to my crappy mood lately. Sadly, I'm way too exhausted to do so. So all I have to say is, I'm still alive, and hopefully I'll get a catch up post (or series of posts) up soon. Until then, it's time to go try and sleep. Wish everyone the best.

Yet another quick post.
Hey all, quick post again. Haven't been around LJ, or the internet much for a while now. My computer has gone all wonky, inputs (keyboard/mouse) can't seem to be relied upon for any noteworthy amount of time, so it's hard to post or do much else. Done everything I can think of to try and fix it, including full virus scans and other diagnostics, and even attempted recovery a couple times. That keeps failing for some reason, occassionally even with a blue screen of death. So I will likely take it in to get checked out here next week, adding one more unexpected bill to my tab. Thank God (seriously, thank you) I'm not particularly hurting financially. But everything I can't plan for sets me back you know? Doesn't help out my tendencies to try and work things out and stay positive either, which I'm working on. I don't have to control everything by anymeans, but a crazy spiral just sucks. Well, here's to getting back on track.

Hope everyone had a good Christmas/whatever you celebrate, and a Happy New Year. I've only gotten to glance at some of your posts, so if I missed something significant I apologize.

Quick updates.
Just wanted to catch things up here, but I can't put in the time right now to do a significant post yet.

I'm feeling better now. Friday was the first day in a week I'd felt "normal" in a week. That was good, as it gave me my last day of real turnover at work with the guy I'm replacing, even if he got stuck working elsewhere most of the day. But it was good practice to basically do the job myself. Still need some work though. I actually have next week off (was just confirmed Friday), but I'm going to go in a couple of hours on Tuesday so we can get things together.

Nothing real special going on other than that. Trying to figure out the last bits of my Christmas plans. I need to wrap presents, but I'm dreading that. Never been very good at it, particularly for larger items, like two of the ones I have to wrap. Not sure what I'm going to do about that yet. But I'll figure it out.

Moving on, I'm happy about the new job obviously. It'll be nice both to have a normal schedule. I'm also excited about the job itself. It'll be nice to feel like I'm doing something again, and it sounds like I'll be busy. I'm hopeful at least, but cautiously so.

Well, that's all I've got for now.

Catching up.
Ugh, I've been ridiculously tired lately, so I'm behind as usual. Barely been able to skim your guy's entries. I'll get back to you all as soon as I feel a bit more up to it. Good luck until then.

Finally, musical posts as promised.
Hey guys,

A couple weeks ago I said I was going to start posting up what certain songs mean something to me, or what feelings they invoke in me. I've been pretty busy since then, so I haven't gotten it started. Well, today I ran a quick run to the grocery store to pick up a few thing and had one of those moments when song came up on my Zune. Figured that now was as good as any time to get started, particularly before I lose the essence of the emotions. I hadn't planned on starting off with this song, but I'll go with it. Hopefully I'll be able to keep it up and get more of these posts in.

Before I begin, some of these the lyrics are important, sometimes not. Sometimes just part of them. I'm including the lyrics from the song just for reference, if there's something specific I'll reference it most of the time if there's something specific. Also, while I understand some of these might come across as negative towards Andi, that's not how it's intended. I just find that it helps me progress by giving these things thought, and I never can tell when one of your comments might help me out.

Now, I'd imagine most people's initial reaction to seeing me post something like this would be to take it that I'm over her. I can tell you now, that's not the case yet, and won't be for some time. I had an opportunity to think about that here the other day while talking to my brother. He had an opportunity I've dreamed of in his ex telling him that she wanted to come back. Now, we're very different people as is our situations, but I had to think of how I would have dealt with that. I think it's safe to say that while there would be some things that would definately have to change, I would love that opportunity to try and recover my marriage.

That being said, I can honestly say I'm getting better. Very slowly, I'm looking more forward and less back Now that I'm finally out of the goofiness that was my old schedule, I'm continuing to hope I can build something approaching what looks like a "normal" life. Not entirely sure what the best route is doing that, I've never been real good at building a stable of friends. Hopefully the new group of co-workers will develop me a few. Other than them I really just have the two guys I roleplay with, but I'm not going to stress it.

The big thing as I was saying is that I'm torturing myself less and less thinking about what went wrong, or how to get her back. As I said, I still want us to be together, but I'm healthier about that desire now, it's not tearing me up as much. We had breakfast together at my suggestion last week, and I can't describe how difficult that was. Probably wasn't a great idea to do it, but in retrospect I think I needed to experience that feeling. Another shot of motivation. I still need a lot of work to get to where I want, but I'm determined to make it. I'll get there.

Guess I sort of got away from the point of the post, at least it looks that way to me. Ohh well, unfortunately I've lost my train of thought now. Basically, while not entirely correct, the hurt is familiar. Likewise, the effort to rebuild is, though at least in the lyrics it sounds like "he/she" (the character in the song) is further along that path than I am thus far. *shrugs* Ohh well. At least I got one of these posts in. By the way, not entirely sure what's going on in the video there, so it's not a reflection on what I'm feeling. Feel free to comment folks, though I think I'm going to start screening comments, at least for one or two while I figure out that feature. I've never done it before so I don't know how it works.

Well, that's all I've got for now. Hope things are going well for everyone else.

Post-game Report.
Hey folks,

Behind in my entries as always, but I had the football game to day so I thought I'd let you know how it went. First off, I guess I'll start off with the final score. For the seventh straight year at my base, Navy defeated Army, this time to a tune of 20-0. That's two offensive touchdowns and a kick return that went the distance to start off the second half. In case anyone is doing the math, there wasn't any kicking for field goals or extra points in our game. You could plays for 1, 2, or 3 points depending on how far back from the goal line you started. We missed the first one, and made the second two.

On a personal note, I guess I did okay. Playing cornerback, and was only thrown against twice. I hope that was a compliment to my coverage abilities. I don't particularly think so, but whatever. I did have a big stop on 4th down in the first series. As long as I can get traction, I like to play off the receivers a bit, make the QB think they're open so they'll throw to them. Then I come up and knock it away or intercept the ball. Didn't quite have the angle on this one unfortunately, though I might have been able to snag it if I'd really tried. Decided not to chance knocking it around for him and just put it on the ground. After that, they didn't throw against me for pretty much the rest of the game. Just once, where the receiver stopped and came back for the short pass. No problem there, though that was the one tackle I missed. Jammed my thumb up a bit on the guys hip going for his flag, but it's all right.

Wasn't really keeping track, but I think I had 4-5 tackles. Might be shorting myself one or two, I had parts of several others. I'm a play to the ball type guy. Cover my man until the play develops, then get in on the tackle. Hence why I was clear on the other side of the field from where I started on the third defensive series. The biggest guy on their team had the ball (a BIG guy), and we collided when I went for his flag. Thankfully he went down, but his knee impacted just to the right of my kneecap. Left my hopping and hobbling for a bit, so rather than be slowed up and have the offense work me, I elected to sub out for the rest of that series, and I HATE coming out of a game. Always have, all the way back to playing soccer as a kid. Went years without missing any part of a game then. But it was for the best, and I was ready by the next time I could have gone in.

We're going to present the trophy to the Captain on Tuesday, which coincidentally is also when I'll get frocked (advanced) to my next rank. That will be interesting, I'm not a big fan of being the center of attention. Being closer to home and with my situation as it's been, my mom has been wanting to come out for the ceremony too. I appreciate it, but it's another aspect of attention I'm not real comfortable with. *shrugs* Oh well.

More updates than I expected.
Hey folks, playing a bit of catch up as I initially meant to make this post yesterday. But if I had I'd be posting my latest news anyway, so it worked out. Here goes...

We actually got to have both flag football practices this week. Went pretty well. We actually had more people than we could play on both sides of the ball on Tuesday, so we got some real work in. Not as many Thursday, so we played light on defense so the offense could get more stable with their plays. Their stuff is a bit more complex than ours on the defense, plus past experience has shown that the Army offense isn't too tough to beat, or creative for that matter.

I'm officially playing a cornerback, which about fits for my size (6'1", and relatively fast). I don't really have the bulk to play much else, though I'm happy to fill in wherever necessary. Occasionally we through in a corner blitz (where I get to rush the quarterback), that's pretty fun. Unfortunately our offense gets the play going so fast I really don't have the time to get in there. Still though, I narrowly missed a sack on Thursday.

Now, I'm far from anything actually resembling a football player, but I think I'm doing pretty well so far. Learning some of the schemes and my part in them has been interesting, especially since we play the defense pretty much on the fly, but I think I've got it down now. For the most part (slipping on the slick field not withstanding), I've been able to keep up with our recievers to keep them covered. In fact, not sure if it's intentional, but the offense seems to throw away from my side of the field. At least on Thursday, I seem to be a pretty decent tackler as well, which with flags is pretty difficult. *shrugs* Not meaning to talk myself up, I'm just excited about the game.

Now for my other piece of news. After three months of waiting, the advancement results finally came out. I didn't have a whole lot of expectations regarding it, as I have so little time in compared to most of those I was in competition with for advancement. I guess I did really well on the test, because our CO called me this afternoon to tell me I made it. I'm still rather surprised, but pleasantly so obviously. Before the inevitable questions, I will be advancing from Petty Officer Second Class (E5) to Petty Officer First Class (E6).

Well, I'll talk to you all later.

Ugh...(Possible TMI warning)
One would think doctor's visits were supposed to make you feel better. Not so much today. I went in for a CT of my abdomen/pelvis to figure out what has been bothering me with my side/hip for some time. I don't know how many of you have had CTs before, but they give you this stuff to drink, which tastes pretty funny. This time though, they mixed it with milk, which I don't like to begin with. So double the fun there, and I had to go through two big glasses of it, on top of the stuff they injected during the scan.

I was already feeling a little funny after drinking the first glass, but I just figured it was the milk on an empty stomach. Stopped off at Target for some stuff I needed on the way home (another story there in a minute), and was really starting to feel horrid by the time I left there. This only got worse on the way home. Stomach pain, nausea, gas, was freezing, ect. I made some buttered bread in an attempt to help calm my stomach, but had to keep making runs to the bathroom. Not fun at all.

Finished that, and my stomach hurt so much I was almost in tears. This was while I was trying to nap cause I felt so bad. I'm not sick very often by the way, but when I am it seems like I get hit even harder. Always seems to be when I'm on my own too. Could have really used some support today, even though they coudn't have done anything. Eventually I was able to sleep, and I'm feeling a bit better now, still pretty out of it though. Going to try and get up now and get something to eat.

Before I do though, a quick bit as to why I needed to pick some stuff up today. Had a close call with the dogs the other night. The dogs, Peanut and Piper in particular, tend to take off as soon as I open the door to take them out. Coming off the deck the other night I planted my feet to get them under control. When I did Piper broke her leash. The metal part popped right off where it connected so it could spin. Thankfully she just went a little further and then went pee so I could catch her. But it scared me cause it would be really pretty much impossible to catch her with the other dogs, and losing track of her while putting them away could mean she got away too. So I had to pick up a new leash.

Well, I'm off to eat. Hopefully I'll feel well enough to post again later like I've been trying to.

Ch ch ch changes....
Hey folks,

Whew, the last bit has been crazy. In the transition from my current job to the one I'll be working shortly has had me working ten of the last twelve days(including 4 12 hour days), and then I've had to cram my own stuff into the little bit off off time. So needless to say I've been pretty busy, and wiped out as well. I'm still planning on doing my musical posts, and I have a pretty good list I've put together so far with several more I haven't gotten written down yet and forgotten. But those are generally going to take up more time, and I did want to get this down.

I've obviously had a lot of time to think, and once again I find myself needing to make the effort to take credit for the progress I've made. A reminder to myself, a motivational effort if nothing else. So, I keep trying to do it in my head, but I think here might be a better place, as the effort should bring up more.

I haven't exactly rocketed forward in my social life. I'm still mostly sitting at home in the odd off day I have, generally at the computer. But while minimal, I've kept up some sort of effort even if I do need to learn to push myself further at some point. I'm still going into town and hanging out to watch football, at least on the Sundays I'm not working. I kind of wish I'd connect more with the guys I've been hanging out with there, but other than our choice of football team, I don't think we have a whole lot in common. Not too many games left unfortunately, so if I do get to know them better I have to do it soon.

I am back to gaming as well. Only once so far, but I've been talking with one of them a fair bit and we have plans to meet up a couple more times already. So that's positive, even if it does increase my relative geek factor a couple levels. We'll see how it goes in the long run.

While perhaps overly safe, most of my work in trying to be social has of course been here on the computer. Getting to know new people, including you guys. Just getting used to putting myself out there, practice in safety before I really take the leap and do it in the real world. I've had decent success with that, though I'm still hesitant. It's a process, as many of you have experienced, and I'll keep working on it. Just have to take heart in the progress, though I wish it would move faster.

I think I've also made progress as a responsible adult. When we were married, Andi handled all our finances. Initially it was to make things easier since I was gone so much, but I think it became a crutch. I ended up with no idea regarding our finances, and I allowed that lack of knowledge to make my own tendencies to be frugal go into overdrive. I never knew how much money we had, and Andii always seemed stressed about it, so I overcompensated by not spending anything for the most part.

I don't mean to make that sound all horrible, the point was that I've obviously had to learn the finance thing, and while I'm not entirely comfortable with it, I think I have it under control. At least, if I'm missing anything, I don't know about it. As I was saying, I feel pretty decent with how I'm handling things so far. The biggest thing is that I've learned to relax a bit with it all. I don't stress about occassionally spending some money on myself to actually have fun, the way I should have been. I wish that I made more progress beyond the one bill I've completely taken care of, but have learned the hard way that it's no good to take that to the extremes either. Like most things, you have to balance it out. It could be a lot better, but that'll come in time.

Heck, balance is the real lesson I guess. Life seems to get out of whack when you let one facet of it take over, at the cost of another. That's what had happened to me, and it cost me greatly. So now I'm finding that balance, getting control over aspects of my life that got out of control while developing others that never really developed. I need to be patient and persistant, and things will come into line.

The effects of music.
While I'm about as far as you can get from musically inclined, music has always played an impact on my life. Often calming or motivating, occassionally taking me places I don't particularly want to go. But I find lately in particular it helps me out a great deal, as long as I control what I listen to, I can use it as a tool to keep my spirits up. At the same time, many of my favorite songs bring many things to mind, and several times I've listened to a song on the way home from work and wanted to make a post concerning the thoughts it brought up. I've just rarely get it done. Not always, some of you may have noticed I pretty frequently list a song when I post. Generally it's something that means something to me a the moment, even if I don't cover what it's brought up in the post.

Tonight I had one of those moments again, and decided I should make used of these motivational tools in my posting here. Thus, I'm planning on making a series of posts relating various songs and what they bring to mind and such. To make it easier on me, I thought I'd start off with a list of at least some of the songs I could use. So now that I've posted this, I'm off to make that list, having decided at the last minute to let them be a surprise to you all as they come up. By the way, as usual I mostly post this for me, but I'm curious to see what comments I get in response to some of my choices. Also, if anyone would like to suggest something that might help me, I'll take a stab at it.

...and I'm off.


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